Zuckerberg Zombies

I hate Facebook, I really do. Anybody who knows me is fully aware of my utter contempt for it. In fact, social networking in general has never properly enticed me. I'm not a social person at the best of times, so when a sudden surge of sites pop up to say 'Hey! Here's a new way to connect with even more people', I tend to give them a swerve. I'm not really a people person, so if I end up in a intense, suffocating social environment, I've usually been forced into it.

My first taste of social networking came through MySpace (yeah remember that?) and that was only because I told a friend in an IT lesson at school that I'd never heard of it. His jaw literally  dropped and he said "You're not on MySpace? That's it, you're getting an account NOW!". The rest of the lesson consisted of him setting up the account, profile page and sending friend requests out to various acquaintances from school. I was totally overwhelmed by it, but reluctantly persevered and I did actually develop a fondness for it. As that was happening, Facebook had emerged and fast became the new flavour of the month. I had a look-see at my friends' Facebook accounts and took an instant dislike to the thing. It looked so intrusive as it religiously reported back on which friend wrote what on whoever's wall. The constant news feed on people's every movement seemed way too OTT but everyone had seemingly jumped ship to it, shrugging their shoulders at how invasive it was. I, however, was determined to stick with MySpace and so began a battle of wills between me and the Facebook brigade. Once again, I was bombarded with cries of "Everyone's on it! No-one uses MySpace anymore" but I refused to give in. It took a while for people to finally accept that I wasn't going to join up, but they eventually did and it became one of my 'things'. Boy, did I relish not giving in. Hearing stuff like "I poked X but they never poked me back and I want to know why" or huffy reactions of  "X put a photo up but didn't tag me in it" just reinforced my belief that Facebook (or 'The Evil Book Of Faces' as I dubbed it) was a hotbed for inane drama and self-indulgent twaddle. This is still my belief to this day, which makes what I'm about to say hypocritical to the max: I ended up creating a Facebook account.

Now, before I'm strung up and force-fed humble pie, let me give my defence. One of the (few) pros of Facebook is the ability it provides for people to stay in touch. I know thing like e-mail exist, but Facebook pretty much turned into an all-in-one messaging service. Relatives on the other side of the world from each other could get up to date info regularly. I'm not going to deny that it hasn't provided a stable way for people to keep in touch. This is partly the reason I finally stopped fighting the good fight. Silly me was trying to keep in contact via text messages, but I soon learnt that everyone communicated solely on Facebook. So there was the dilemma: stick to the principles and let my social circle fizzle out, or become a hypocrite and bow to peer pressure? Sadly, I was pushed into the latter after an over-zealous friend tweaked her old account to make it into one for me - complete with name change and picture. In the end, I couldn't put up with the badgering anymore so signed up to 1) Clarify that her old account wasn't me and 2) Finally claw my way back into regular contact with people.  Even under my alias (I always use one on any site I join up to) people found out it was me and they were flabbergasted that after so many years, I'd finally caved.

So here's me, finally part of the Facebook world. How have I found it? Well, my Facebook experience overall has consisted of confusion, apprehension, amusement, annoyance, frustration, boredom and it's culminated in fiery hatred. I always kick myself for going against my gut instinct and this is no exception. As I've stated earlier, I believed Facebook was a hotbed for inane drama and self-indulgent twaddle and I've been proven absolutely right. Facebook is a site for a keeping-up-with-the-Jonses type lifestyle competition under the guise of bringing people together and strengthening their connections with each other. Facebook pretty much give you the ability to live with your "friends" 24/7. You get to know things like what they had for lunch or where they went shopping in the afternoon and even what time they go to bed. But hey, this stuff is interesting, right? How could you live without knowing whether Bob's found his other sock, or what about the fact that Tim can't decide whether to have a biscuit or cake for a snack?  This is crucial stuff that the world needs to know - only it isn't. It's banal, excruciatingly boring stuff that no-one gives a flying one about. These yawn-worthy everyday occurrences in life aren't anything special so why people feel the compulsion to broadcast them to cyberspace is beyond me. 

One of the worst Facebook behavioural patterns, for me, is updating when out in the real world. There's one particular friend of a "friend"  on my account that seems to fall over themselves to let Facebook know where they are, what they're doing and who they're with in real time.

Example:

Out with X tonight, on our way to *insert place name here*

10 minutes later...

Finally arrived at *place* with X! Gonna have a good night

8 minutes later...

Me and X just sat down to this (insert picture of food)! - at *place*

20 minutes later

Just finished meal. Was gorgeous! Now going to have some drinks - with X

1 hour later...

On our way home from *place* now.  Had such a great time - with X at *place*

Now why, in the name of all that's holy, would anybody constantly interrupt a night out with real people in order to inform the Facebook world of the great time they're supposedly having? If you're enjoying it that much then why the hell are you even logged in? There's nothing more irritating (and I'd even go so far as to say downright rude) than being out with somebody who can't seem to put their phone down for two minutes. Try having a conversation with somebody who's constantly checking their phone, it's pretty much impossible and you wonder why on earth they've bothered coming out if they're only going to pay 10% attention to you. It reminds me of when I went to music gigs and spent the majority of my time trying to film decent parts of the gig. When it was over, I realised that I'd hadn't relished the experience because I was too busy looking at it through a camera. However, in this age of smart phones and the likes, the ability to function normally in real life social situations seems to be waning. There's no social awareness or etiquette anymore because people seem to have an attack of the hives if they have to look away from a screen for more than two minutes, lest they miss an important update about whether or not someone's decided to dye their hair.

Admittedly, in my Facebook virgin days, I posted a few ambiguous, self-pitying statuses in the past, but that was because I was lured in by everyone else's behaviour on it and figured that's what Facebook was primarily geared for. I was attempting to go with the flow, but I realised that I'm really not that kind of person. I don't want to plaster the ups and downs of my life all over Facebook, I've found Twitter to be far more enjoyable social network (although that comes with a whole host of problems of it's own!). When it comes down to it, nobody really gives a stuff about your life because they're too busy with theirs. Nobody gives a damn about what you put up there unless it concerns them; and no amount of faux-interested comments or 'likes' is going to change that. I stopped putting statuses up on Facebook ages ago and now I just use it for games and to talk to one or two people. If I do decide to have a rare look through my news feed, I still see absolutely nothing of interest. The fact that so many people feel compelled to post every single detail of their lives, however inappropriate, seriously scares me. You're in labour? Quick, post frequent updates about how it's all going! If you're lucky, you might even be able to manage an upload of the baby crowning! Got major beef with someone? Forget about dealing with it in private, have a blazing row and air all that dirty laundry all over you pages so everyone can have a look! I mean, really, is nothing scared anymore? Is privacy an obsolete concept? Facebook seems to have a created a breed of people who are so needy and desperate for approval, praise and basic recognition...it's actually rather a depressing scenario that just seems to be getting worse.

There's a thread running on a forum I go on, titled: Worst Facebook Updates ever. Here are just a few of my personal favourites...

19.07: Making homemade chicken korma.
19.28: Just made homemade chicken korma.
20.03: Enjoyed my homemade chicken korma

 Can't wait until my new shorts get delivered, I need cheering up

 Weighed myself on my friends scales and i may of lost half a pound :-D

 Just found out I can fit 27 maltesers in my mouth!

 Ran out of red bull wanted mum to get me sum more n she gave me a fiver and told me to get it myself! FML!!!