Think Of The Children

"School days are the best days of you life"

Well I, for one, find that notion highly debatable!! I'm sure we've all got particularly unpleasant memories from our school days that we'd rather forget; a teacher giving a good telling off for missed homework, militant dinner ladies making sure you've eaten all of that unappealing dinner you've been served or even slipping into the kit for those dreaded PE lessons! But where does not being invited to a classmate's party rank amongst those school horror clichés? Does anyone have haunting memories of not being chosen to go to little Jimmy's birthday party? 

Well, that's the issue that's been sparked after a UK school has banned the handing out of invitations unless every member of the class is invited (article HERE). The argument is that doing so is "unkind and divisive" and it completely goes against the school's "inclusive" attitude. A letter from the Headteacher read : 

"Please could you avoid bringing any party invitations into school that do not include all children in a particular class or year group. This goes completely against our policy of inclusion for every single child and is divisive and unkind." 

Seems fair enough, right? Being left out of anything is rather a big issue, especially for younger schoolchildren. Think back to the very first day of school; scary, wasn't it? The main goal was to make friends and fit in. No child wants to be the outsider, the loser, 'Billy No-Mates". The feelings of sadness and embarrassment from not being picked for a team or not having a partner to pair up with in class can stay with someone right through to adulthood. I remember an instance of exactly that happening to me on a junior school day out. The (odd-numbered) group I was part of was told to pair up for a task, but guess who was left with no-one? To make it worse, the teacher stood me in front of everyone and said:

 "Since we have one over, which pair is going to going to be nice enough let (me) join them?"

Not one hand went up. So here I was, around seven years old, stood in front of 30 children who didn't particularly care for me at all. Even the teacher was surprised as she repeated the plea, adding "surely there are some of you nice enough to let her join you?". Eventually, one pair relented and I sheepishly shuffled over to them, but I will never forget that hideous occasion. Even now, I cringe in shame at just how much of a public humiliation that was. I imagine that it is this type of experience that the school in question is admirably trying to avoid at all costs with this move - and I can't really fault them for the intention. 

That being said, however, I don't believe that missing out on a party invite is comparable to my day trip for example. The head argues that publicly handing out invitations in class is unkind (kindness is a "key value" in the school) and can have a "serious impact" on those who are not invited - and I agree up, to a point. Public invitations that only include a select few isn't nice, but it's not nice whatever age you are. Kids being indiscreet and lacking tact isn't a surprise though, as they don't know any better, but adults acting the same way is just plain rude. I'll briefly reference another experience I had (this time in 6th form when I was 18/19) where one member of my "friendship" group made a huge song and dance about tracking people down, handing over an envelope and loudly declaring "Here's your invite to my party". Needless to say, I wasn't on the list but neither was another of my friends. We exchanged a knowing look with each other and later on ended up laughing at how much effort said girl had put into making it clear that we weren't the kind of people she wanted to associate with.  Anyway, the point is that yes, public invites aren't nice for the people who aren't included and if that's the way it worked at the school then I suppose it's a sensible move to stop them - in class. It seems though, that the Head wants invites to be arranged completely out of the school zone and that's the part I disagree with.

School is the major place for kids to consistently socialise at. They are guaranteed to see their friends, usually everyday, so I think it's the perfect place for invites to out-of-school occasions to be floated. I see no harm at all in letting kids hand out their invites at break times because usually they spend their breaks with their friends - who are obviously the  intended guests! Where's the distress caused in that scenario? The school's reported age range is 3-11 so I'd imagine 7-11 year olds would probably invite in the way I've suggested, whereas younger children of 6 and under (?) I'd imagine the parents would discuss details in the schoolyard at home time or something; I'd even go so further as to suggest that in this digital age, Facebook would inevitably come into play and the Head has even reference E-mail invites. I'm still adamant though that break time invites would not cause any trouble or distress to anyone. Worst case scenario though: A child gets wind of the fact that they hadn't been invited to a party of a child they weren't friends with, or even didn't like - how traumatised would they really be? My guess is, not very. Even so, this move isn't going to eradicate pre/post discussions of a party getting round. The school's motive seems to be trying to shield the pupils from disappointment and instead trying to promote a message of "Can't we all just be nice and not upset each other?"

The answer is 'No, not really'. School is suppose to be a form of preparation for adult life and we all know how unfair and disappointing that can be. There's a feeling nowadays that there's too much wrapping up in cotton wool with everyone. Nobody can take rejection, nobody can take losing, nobody can take criticism etc etc. I believe there's an element of truth in this and the seeds seem to be being sown in childhood. Re-iterating what I've said, I don't agree with public displays when it come to invites, but the argument that children should only be exposed to kindness and positivity in school is a little to idealistic for me.That ideal seems to be peddled into adult life too - "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" - but it's ultimately unworkable. We need to experience failure, we need to be able to handle simple rejection, we need to accept criticism. Bad experiences in life are usually all part of character building, you ideally learn from them. Of course, I'm not suggesting schoolchildren shouldn't be exposed to all the bad things under the Sun, but issues like not being invited to a party shouldn't be held up as the soul-destroying rejection that it's seemingly being made out to be. This is where parents and teachers alike should step in  and reassure children that it's not the end of the world when things like this happen.

The bottom line is that, no matter what age you are, there are always going to be good/bad experiences in life and constantly being shielded from any negativity is not going to do anybody any favours in the long run.